Tuesday, 8 May 2012

The Great Unknown... A Work in Progress

There comes a time in every mother's life where we get tired, frustrated and maybe a little complacent. Maybe I'm wrong, but I can't possibly be the only mother out there that has ever felt this way. Am I right ladies?

Lately, I've been trying to take a step back and look at the bigger picture of my life,existence, whatever you want to call it, hence the reason for starting a blog. So I guess this would be kind of like my digital journal. Not necessarily ALL of my inner thoughts, but ones that I can share and maybe even with a comment or two from outsiders and get some clarity.

I'm turning 37 this year (ugh) and I keep thinking to myself..."Wow..I'm going to be 40 in 3 years!"  I look around at all of my peers and they all have oodles of education, careers and clubs they belong to and I look at me and other than a short career as a hairstylist then child rearing and a couple of retail management positions...I got nothing. Now I know it takes guts, patience and stamina to stay at home with your kids for the first 5/6 years of their life and that they have the best nurturing experience possible, I totally get that and I loved it! But you also rarely have time for yourself, half the time look like a mess and maybe even lose a little bit of yourself at the same time. Now that I find myself for the first time in 10 years with all of my children at school full-time,I'm  drawing a blank at what I've become and what skills I can offer really with mediocre job experiences during that time frame. I am totally at a crossroads at this time in my life. My body is not what it use to be after having children, my education is not what it should be and quite frankly I just don't know what direction I want to go in. There is no point in going back into hairdressing because it would take me another 5 years to build up a clientele and I just don't have the patience to sit and wait for people to show up wanting a haircut! I've taken those "Career Finder" surveys to see what traits I have and of course the first three at the top of the list are actor, artist and teacher. There are a host of others based on what your answers are, but too long to list.

Soooo Actor...just sec....HAHAHA ironic! At one time in my life yes that is all I ever wanted to do! I always imagined myself in NYC singing on Broadway in some fabulous musical. Now however, it just isn't in the cards, I've passed that window of opportunity, whether it be age or body image. Not to mention my domestic life is what it is. But it is very ironic that the "Career Finder" would put that at the top of the list.

Artist..well obviously goes almost part and parcel with the actor/singer statement. Besides I'm really not that artistic in any way shape or form. I can draw stick people and Martha Stewart I am not.

Teacher...ok I can sort of see this one because I do love kids and find joy in sharing the beautiful things in life with them. I could see myself teaching Kindergarten a lot. However that being said, the odds of finding a teaching job these days, that is after I finish upwards of 5 years of university are slim to none. There are enough teachers on part time contracts as it is and paying back a student loan until I am 90 just doesn't seem feasible and downright silly.

So here I am again pondering what the hell to do with myself for the next 20+ years. In the pit of my stomach, there is this feeling that I am destined for something truly great and fitting for just ME. I do believe everything happens for a reason, but is this suppose to be my existence? Being a wife, mother and grabbing a minimum wage job can't possibly be it for me. For all those that don't know being a Leo and doing seemingly mundane activities is not in our genetic makeup let me just clear that up! We like a challenge, to be pursued, almost always be the center of attention, yet be very generous, a good listener, excellent lover and great friend.Unfortunately I can't make a career out of any of that....well legally anyways. So it leaves me in a career-less abyss. Still pondering the life long question "What do I want to be When I Grow Up"?

I have spent the latter part of 10 years serving others, that I have no idea who I am or what my needs are. What I do know about myself is that I am resourceful, kind, a good person, sometimes overly gregarious, loud, occasionally witty, helpful, a good mother, a supportive wife and a pretty darn good friend. I ask for very little help even when I REALLY should sometimes, but it's that Leo pride that gets in my way all the time. I think it's just years of doing everything for everyONE I feel I can carry it on my shoulders. I can say with utter certainty my shoulders as of late are, but that's self-sabbotage! Yes there are times when I contemplate throwing in the towel and hiding away, but then I pick myself up, look at my girls and remember I do have a job to do at home first and foremost.

Maybe if I delegate things, chores whatever you wanna call it to "others" in my household and not be afraid of the consequences, maybe...just maybe...I can take a step back and do some soul searching....dig deep into myself and figure out what brings me joy and fulfillment and get out of this rut I find myself in.

I've always heard that adrenalin always gives you clarity....I wonder if I "manned" up and really started taking care of my body the way I should (egads! a whole hour to myself) by joining a gym, doing yoga or even power walking by myself (a dog or two in tow) would give me the push I need? Maybe I'll try JUST that!

What do you think??
 (Totally metaphorically speaking, unless you want to comment then feel free!)

Signed a "Work in Progress"




1 comment:

  1. So, any more thoughts on this? It's incredibly difficult to shift from Mommy-mode into remembering who you were before the babies came... and then realizing that who you are now is someone very different than pre-babies.

    And remember, it took years of being a mom for you to settle into knowing yourself in that way, so take the time you need to get to know yourself on this side of it.

    Xoxj

    ReplyDelete